A+oK's+writing

click here to go to my classblogmeister account: my classblogmeister account

First draft
Once there was a boy who LOVED candy.Then on a very hot the boy was climbing a tree. Then he fell. A very pretty fairy came to him and granted him a wish. All the bunnies turned in to candy on the boys birthday. He gave all the candy away. they named it after him. After the boys birthday all the bunnies turned in to regular bunnies. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Jeff comments: = = Brain storm. Idoms #1 Don't count your chinkens be for they hach. main events #1 falles #2 sees the fairy. #3 grants his wish #4 He gets his wish.
 * (revised draft)**
 * 1) 2 stuck betwine tow rocks.
 * 1) 5 He shares

Secont draft
Once there was a boy named Easter, who LOVED candy. Then on a very hot and humid day the boy started climbing huge Maple and fell which felt about a zillion feet.The boy fell with a "THUD" he broke his arm. Well at the hospital a fairy appeared. She had purple/green wings and golden hair,a pink skirt with a pink top.She had the most beautifully Hazel eyes. Sense he was hurt the fairy granted him a wish. He said " I wish all the bunnies in the world would turn in to candy"! why bunnies ? Because bunnies are all over the place. The fairy said "On our birthday all the bunnies will turn in to candy". So on the boys birthday he went out looking for the candy,he even made it look beautifully by adding paint. He found a bunch of candy.He let all the people in the world be able to hunt candy to.They called it easter after him.

meyerislandchief writes: break your writing down by every time a new speaker starts talking, it should be a new paragraph. Any more details you can add. Check your grammar. what maple? zillion feet - is that realistic? Is it supposed to be a jack & the beanstalk kind of thing? how did he get to the hospital? where did the bunnies come in from? what kind of candy? why would people hunt candy? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 * __AoK yes it is. anser to__** Is it supposed to be a jack & the beanstalk kind of thing

Dear A oK

make sure you do a spelling and gramer check. make sure that you have 2 spaces after a period. You might want to put i little more detail into your story it is kind of hard to undersand. It is a great **__start__** you just need to make it a great **__story__**

finle draft
Once there was a boy named Easter, who LOVED candy. Then on a very hot and humid day the boy started climbing huge Maple and fell which felt 5feet.The boy fell with a "THUD" he broke his arm. An big ambulince with a wite stripe and a red cross came to get hem. Well at the hospital a fairy appeared. She had purple/green wings and golden hair,a pink skirt with a pink top.She had the most beautifully Hazel eyes. Sense he was hurt the fairy granted him a wish.

He said " I wish all the bunnies in the world would turn in to candy"! why bunnies ? Because bunnies are all over the place. They came from holles that look like they come from now were. The fairy said "On our birthday all the bunnies will turn in to candy". So on the boys birthday he went out looking for the candy,he even made it look beautifully by adding paint. He found a bunch of candy.He let all the people in the world be able to hunt candy to. Who would want to hunt candy it is fun, and would you wan't some yummy mild/dark chocolate. He wanted all the chocolate for him self but he would get fat. He was stuch betwen tow rocks. He shared it with the people. They called it Easter after him. Dear A Ok I though the first draft was good. You had an wonderful choice of words. Dear A Ok I heard...That your story is good. I liked...that you wrote about something good.But why did you write three parts?