live4horses'+writing

By **live4horses**, Once there was a bunny except it did not look like a normal bunny it was an early day bunny witch meant that they had the face of a bull and the tail of a dragon, they don't seam very nice but they are quite friendly. Since it looked so fierce they were hunters main target. So one day the young Rabbit was out exploring and she came accost a hunter! She was running away from them and then she tripped. She was having the worst luck ever. When the hunter found her she was very frightened. Then something weird happened. There was a sizzling sound from the ground and a fairy appeared. she was very pretty but that was hard to tell because she was giving of a strange glowing light. She said to the hunter"how dare you pick on such a nice creature." then she sent him back to the village with no memory of the encounter with the fairy. Then she turned on the Bunny. She said "now you have entered the land where humans are banned." Then she offered me and all other bunnies a gift. The gift was to look like a harmless creature. I accepted. The next day she woke up in a den instead of the cave she normally was in. She looked into the mirror and saw not the ugly bull/dragon but a cute fluffy white Bunni she was never hunted again because she was faster smaller and cuter. She never saw the fairy again but she knew that she was safe. The moral of the story is don't judge a book by its cover. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Hi Lexie. Here are my comments. I understood the story is about a bunny and a fairy and a hunter. The bunny started out looking very different.I liked the words "sizzling" and "fluffy white" that you used in your story. I also like the verb you put in there "banned". Why did the bunny run away from the hunter? You might want to check for run on sentences. Bye, Eriannia ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The reson that the bunny ran away from the hunter is because (in the second centince it says that) they are the hunters main target that means that the hunters looked to kill the "bunny"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Once there was a group of bunnies except it did not look like a normal bunny. It was an early day bunny which meant that they had the face of a big fearsome bull with big horns and the scaly tail of a red dragon. The bunnies don't seem very nice but they are VERY friendly. Since it looked so fierce they were hunters main target also because they have bean known to lazily fly over a village ,meaning no harm, and have terrified the villagers who happened to look up. So one day the young Rabbit was out exploring and she came accost a hunter! She was running away from them being very clumsy because of her big head, tripped. She thought that her luck couldn't get any worse. When the hunter found her she was very frightened because she was trapped with a hunter that had abg black and shiny bow and arrow. Then something weird happened. There was a sizzling sound from the ground and a blue floating fairy appeared right from the ground. She was very pretty but that was hard to tell because she was giving of a strange pink, glowing light. She took a moment to look around and abzorb the scenry. The bunny thought that she might have only expeced
 * Revised coppy by live4horses**,

"How dare you pick on such a nice creature. What has she ever don to you?"scolded the fairy then she sent him back to the village with no memory of the encounter with the her or the fairy. Then she turned to the Bunny. She said "Now, my friend you have entered the land where humans are forbid to go." Then she offered her and all other bunnies a gift (of coarse all the other bunnies were ugly like her). The gift was to look like a harmless creature. She willingly accepted. The next day she woke up in a tiny den instead of the cave she normally was in. She looked into the mirror and saw not the ugly bull/dragon but a cute fluffy creme colored bunny. she was never hunted again because she was faster ,smaller ,and cuter. She never saw the fairy again tho she looked hard for that magical place but never found anything. Still she knew that she was safe.

meyerislandchief writes: check your spelling and grammar add more adjectives & adverbs (describing words) to really bring the story visually to life for your reader. break your big giant paragraph down into smaller chunks that help the reader to better "digest" the story. Your dialog should be a new paragraph each time a new speaker starts talking.

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 * last draft by live4horses**

Once there was a group of bunnies except it did not look like a normal bunny. It was an early day bunny which meant that they had the face of a big fearsome bull with big horns and the scaly tail of a red dragon. The bunnies don't seem very nice but they are VERY friendly. Since it looked so fierce they were hunters main target also because they have bean known to lazily fly over a village ,meaning no harm, and have terrified the villagers who happened to look up. So one day the young Rabbit was out exploring and she came accost a hunter! She was running away from them being very clumsy because of her big head, tripped. She thought that her luck couldn't get any worse. When the hunter found her she was very frightened because she was trapped with a hunter that had a big black and shiny bow and arrow. Then something weird happened. There was a sizzling sound from the ground and a blue floating fairy appeared right from the ground. She was very pretty but that was hard to tell because she was giving of a strange pink, glowing light. She took a moment to look around and absorb the scenery. The bunny thought that she might have only expected the hunter and who could have wanted to look at me with my big and ugly head.

"How dare you pick on such a nice creature. What has she ever don to you?"scolded the fairy then she sent him back to the village with no memory of the encounter with the her or the fairy. Then she turned to the Bunny. She said"Now, my friend you have entered the land where humans are forbid to go." Then she offered her and all other bunnies a gift (of coarse all the other bunnies were ugly like her). The gift was to look like a harmless creature. She willingly accepted. Then she wearily walked into her big cave and hoisted herself into her bed and quickly fell asleep. The next day she woke up in a tiny den instead of the cave she normally was in. She looked into the mirror and saw not the ugly bull/dragon but a cute fluffy creme colored bunny. she was never hunted again because she was faster ,smaller ,and cuter. She never saw the fairy again tho she looked hard for that magical place but never found anything. Still she knew that she was safe.

Dear live4horeses, I have a quetionton for you i want to now what is the bunnys nameand the same for the fariys name.I liked your story becuase iI like fiction things

Your pal, David/CMS